I fear that this has been the worst year of my life. When I look back, I have nothing to be proud of, or anything to feel great about. I feel like I’m cursed and that everyone around me has lost something, which downgrades my issues with being alone, and adds more weight for me to carry. I gladly do it to help everyone to make them happy, but there comes a point where I have been neglecting myself too much, I feel like I’m suffering for things I have no control over. This last weekend I was told that I was basically a worse option than nothingness. I’ve been feeling worthless insignificant, and secondary character in my own life, this is exactly how I felt the last time I collapsed into a deep depression, except his time I fear there is no escape from my peril. I’ve been playing the tragic hero for so long, I just want something to support me a bit while I support the world. My hope is the only thing that can never be taken from me, and I am holding on to if for dear life. I believe that I am a good person, and good to be around, I’m not mean or hurtful to anyone, and the universe is pushing against me. The only thing that gives me some strength is the song Shake it out by Florence and The Machine, “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” I just need to shake out my frustrations, and carry on, because pressing forward like a knight errant is the only thing I know how to do. I have to believe that I’m going to succeed because my success is the worlds success, I have to be strong to save everyone from the perils that has befallen my little world. I need to help Hannah, Brandi, Jessica, my mother, my sister, Devon They are the most important people in my life right now. They are all I have left in this world, and I need to lift them up like they lift me. I’m lucky to have them. All I have to do is find someone who loves me for who I am, and appreciate the work I put into keeping everything together. Someone who wants and needs me. I care too much, and I’m susceptible to perpetual heartbreak. I pray that someone can save me before my world crushes me.
