Well, I know it’s been quite a while since my last post, things have changed, and I have too. The problems I deal with now, have come to the center of my whole existence. Pining for answers to exchange the the uncertainty that fills my head. This may sound a bit bleak but I’ll end my updated on a positive note. First off, I have taken my search for romance a bit to far, Madison, she is fed up with me, and it just has taken me forever to see that she doesn’t love me, no matter how hard I try. It is the same lesson Brandi taught me so long ago, and it’s the problems that’s I still struggle with now, a struggle between fantasy and reality. To make it worse I feel that I’m on a destructive path at times, My friend Brittany, who I’ve spent a good amount of time with this summer, she is occupying my mind as much as all the other women in my life. But leave it to me to be the only fool to fall in love with a lesbian, on the surface I’ve noticed she is beautiful, like I never noticed before, smart, funny, and we enjoy a lot of the same things, not a very close person, and keeps a lot of people at am arms length until they need them, but I feel when I’m around her this refreshing air, this empowering feeling. Then again it’s me being a fool, and I can not jeopardize the best friendship I have ever know. I’ve been sort of off the dating market, that’s why hanging out with Brittany was so convenient, she has no interest in me, so she occupied my time, but I’ve been slowly immersing myself back in the dating world trying to chat up women again, Brandi couldn’t nearly believe it when I told her that I had given up my addiction to women for a while. I liked it, it helped me get more in tune with myself, but I still long for that companionship from another, to share a deep intimacy with someone, and feel truly safe. I’ve juggled around the idea of hanging out with this other gal from work, I like her a lot, and I have a weakness for Virgos. Another thing I wanted to talk about is how the relationship with my father has just been on this downward spiral, I’ve grown to despise the man who claims to be my father, when all he is a weak asshole, but I have to admit I am becoming a bit fearful of him, I had a dream a while back where he shot me, and I have these strong premonitions sometimes where it feels like my dreams are coming true. So I’m afraid that unfortunate end is waiting to befall me. Lastly, my positive note, I’ve began to frequent this website, 8tracks.com, and it’s been giving me this pseudo artistic outlet, because I’m starting to get followers to my profile, and that these people, strangers from the internet are waiting for my to share more of my musical expression, it brings me great joy when I get a “like” or a new follower. Gives me hope that maybe I might be on my right path, and soon the torn pieces of my world will begin to come together.
