Job

I’m sitting in a resturant after a meet and greet session. Going to be back tomorrow. The move to Chicago is still alive, I can’t wait to work on my acting. I finally gave brandi her present today. She loved it, and she gave men scarf. It’s awesome, i can tell she worked hard on it. I wore it to my interview. It smells like her. I find it refreshing. But I just hope I can deliver my promises. I also found out, in an off topic subject, that I think I may be an indigo child. I took a couple tests, and I think I am one. Although I don’t like to be put in a catagorie. I’m me and that’s what I’m going to be forever.

Help

I’ve got some good and bad news. On the light side tomorrow I have a job interview. At family video, it wasn’t my first choice, but money is money. Then a week from today I start college back up again. I’m ready to get back into the swing of things. Now on the darker side brandi had some troubling news of another death. I’m trying to let her have her space, but I want to help her so much. I want to be there for her, but I don’t know if she even needs me. I hate feeling unnecessary, that she might not want me to help but someone else. Is that selfish? It just makes me feel like Im not good enough, Its funny becuase I pride myself on not being perfect, but in some occasions I demand perfection. I just hope things work out for the best. I want everyone to be happy.

Strength

I today am getting me more set in my motions. It’s a good thing I started back with some exercise, some yoga. I hunted for jobs, and finshed a book I was reading: Russel Brand’s My Booky Wook. All through that I had this sense of dispare, a sensation making me listless. It feels like for the first time I have no idea what going to happen, tomorrow, the next day, the future. Like there is something looming that may lay ahead. Adding to it, my love life is scaring me, after making all the progress I’ve made, it’s a little unsettling to know your starting at the beginning. Becuase all this time I was sure of one thing. I loved Brandi. Nothing has changed between us. We are better than ever. I just got a feeling that the fight was over, she will never want me to be her man. I still love her more than ever, but how do I change and find someone new. She would say when I asked you can’t force a feeling, well you can’t unforce one as well. I could change the world, and she would still feel the same. It’s a hurt that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. So what do I do? I have to push myself in the dating world. I’m just tired, I’ve wanted to be in a relationship ever since I’ve understood the concept. So after I’ve given the world so much of myself, after all the struggle, all the pain. What do I do? I’d hope love would conquer all. But I need to join the real world. I still lover her, I’m never not going to be there for her.

Fear

What sacres you the most? I’m a rather skiddish person, a lot scares me. Kinves, well other people holding them, being restrained. What I fear is a better question. I fear being alone, I fear dying, and I fear I’ll never acheieve my goals. Today I was envigarated with great bounds of energy. I started to exercise again, including yoga. I think yoga is fun and relaxing, and a good stretch can do wonders for your body. I’ve been reading a lot more. I’ve found something I used to not have time for I’m cutting threw it with ease. I started to look for jobs. I think I’m finally on my way to working on my goals. I’ve got a plan, and all I have to do is prepare. Get money, get a car, be a better driver ha ha, get all that with a job, maybe in the summer I’ll do a little acting. Things seem to be going in the right direction.

Fight

I hate fighting, I’m a pacifist. Although if it’s someone I loved getting hurt I’d kick thier ass. But I digress. I got in a heated text argument today. It sounds childish I know, but it still hurts the same. I didn’t want to argue in the first place, and I feel hurt. Nothing makes you feel worse then the idea that your the problem. Things left qwasi positivly. So know all day I’m in my own head. Running the words back and forth, over and over. How could when things went do well just break. So I’m sitting at a loss, trying to find my way through the static. All I know is I feel awful, and I don’t know what to do. We both said things, and I’ll I want is for life to quit building me up to tear me back down. So to prove my worth today I applied for jobs. Start working on my future plans, just to show that life works for me, I don’t work for it. I can achieve my goals. I’m still sitting here in mental angiush just….. lost.

A Letter To Brandi

I wanted to write this before I forgot. Right now my mind is the clearest it has ever been. I can honestly say that we are unique. I have never met nor can compare you to any other person. I hope you could say the same about me. Your mind, your beauty, and your tenderness is unsurpassed. I can attribute to why I have faith left in this world. You are my muse. You inspire me, you challenge me, and you make me crazy. In a good way. I realize I worry because I truly care for you. I felt like telling you today that I’m going to work myself as hard as posible to make a better life for us. Not only do you deserve it, but a all around beautiful person like you should never settle for less. People like me and you are unique for one reason, we feel, and we see there is more for us out there than what we have been handed. I’m not saying you have to love me, your a very independent person, and should be treated as an individual. I’m not taking charge I’m offering a long partnership in living life to the fullest. Chicago is just the beginning, we can traverse the globe. Love is not a big enough word to describe how I feel about you. I’m sending this to you now so you have something to wake up too. I’m speaking my heart, and things have never been more crystal clear than this moment. I’m here to tell you, Good Morning Brandi, today life begins with new prospects and hope. The world loves you and dance with it.
12/27/09 2:47am

Warmth

As I sit in my seat all wrapped up in a post christmas snuggie I think about the warmth it provides, but at the cost of conforming to the snuggie aliance. I think about the type of warmth I wish to have. I think about the warmth of a gentel hug from a lover. I think about the warmth from a croud to an actor’s hard work. I think about the warmth of the look in the gratitude of a person who’s life you changed. I want all of these things, I want some warmth to cover my restless soul. So I see this snuggie as a faux since of warmth handed out to the masses, an atagonist to the modern blanket. Comfort is forigen to me, i one time wish to be truly content with my situations. Not wanting to strive for something better because I have it. As a means of rest. I’m busy all the time trying to achieve these great ideas I’ve bult up for myself. While I sit here in suffer with my restless mind. But hey at least I have a snuggie to keep me warm.

Faults In The Cookies

The traditional thing to do this time of year is spend time with your family. I certainly did a lot of that today. I spent most of my time making baked goods, and preparing for Christmas in a couple days. It was fun I got a chance to let loose for a little while. Making cookies, brownies, banana bread, and cheese balls. Then I spent my time between bakes conversing with brandi, she has been unpacking her new apartment. She tells me she may have lost her job. It breaks you back into reality. I try to do everything I can for her. It’s a love that I’m not ashamed of. Love is not a big of enough word to descirbe how I feel about this women, but she dosen’t want me. She’s still my best friend no matter what, I just wish that I could have te winning hand when it comes to life. I have to keep folding and save my last chips for the next round, because I already when all in on the last ones. Why am I into card references these days?

Pain

Why is love so painful? Followers of this blog will prolly know who I’m talking about. No matter how much I change the world she would never love me the way I love her. Openly she tells me that she will most likely end up with another. When all I want is for us to be with one another. I told her that no matter how many times she fell in and out of love, no matter how much she’d ever hurt me, or how much she would ignore me. I’d wait for her and love her just the same. She has never treated me in any bad since. For her she will just pass off this and move on. Me how can I? She is the only thing I was abouslutly sure about, my love for her is pure and true. I don’t know what the future holds for me. All the beauty I’ve seen, all the great things I’ve come upon. Dosen’t mean anything if I can’t share it. My list of goals: 1. Become an actor, 2. Love, 3. Save the world. Do I ask for to much? It will happen, I’m never one for giving up. I’m just tell the world look out, I’m coming, and you better be ready.

Control

Recently, i’ve come to realize that I need to control my emotions. I just feel like I’m not thinking with my head anymore. The thing is every time I try to use my mind, my libido kicks in and I forget. It’s a joke people. I feel the things around me more intensly than others would. Like seeing great detail and beauty in everything I see. Or I hear music and my mind goes wild with imaginative images and designs. I don’t know how to channel my energy. I think I need to figure out how. I need to do more acting. I still miss it so.