Hollow

I fear that this has been the worst year of my life. When I look back, I have nothing to be proud of, or anything to feel great about. I feel like I’m cursed and that everyone around me has lost something, which downgrades my issues with being alone, and adds more weight for me to carry. I gladly do it to help everyone to make them happy, but there comes a point where I have been neglecting myself too much, I feel like I’m suffering for things I have no control over. This last weekend I was told that I was basically a worse option than nothingness. I’ve been feeling worthless insignificant, and secondary character in my own life, this is exactly how I felt the last time I collapsed into a deep depression, except his time I fear there is no escape from my peril. I’ve been playing the tragic hero for so long, I just want something to support me a bit while I support the world. My hope is the only thing that can never be taken from me, and I am holding on to if for dear life. I believe that I am a good person, and good to be around, I’m not mean or hurtful to anyone, and the universe is pushing against me. The only thing that gives me some strength is the song Shake it out by Florence and The Machine, “it’s always darkest before the dawn.” I just need to shake out my frustrations, and carry on, because pressing forward like a knight errant is the only thing I know how to do. I have to believe that I’m going to succeed because my success is the worlds success, I have to be strong to save everyone from the perils that has befallen my little world. I need to help Hannah, Brandi, Jessica, my mother, my sister, Devon They are the most important people in my life right now. They are all I have left in this world, and I need to lift them up like they lift me. I’m lucky to have them. All I have to do is find someone who loves me for who I am, and appreciate the work I put into keeping everything together. Someone who wants and needs me. I care too much, and I’m susceptible to perpetual heartbreak. I pray that someone can save me before my world crushes me.

Where I Won’t Be Found

I’m sitting outside campus, the wind blowing me apart. Feeling, pretty satisfied. Sure there is some improvements I would have added to today, but you can’t expect too much. I think today is one of those days of reflection. I’m thinking about all the people I’ve met over the years, the people that support me most, and the people I see every day. Feels like I see many strangers, and my friends in short doses. I think now more than ever its time I reconnect with who matters, and open up to those I don’t know, my introspection is starting to get tiresome. I want to be excited, and with the turn of the seasons, there is no better time. All I can see is how fast my life is moving, and I’ve been looking so hard for that person to ground me, I’m missing out on all the important things. I have so much ambition, that sometimes when no progress is gained I feel like what’s the point of if all? Why do I encounter such struggle in this world. I think I need to fight harder. Because I need to know who I am with out the set backs. I’m the optimist, but I need more than that. I need to see some change, and the time is now. The future is on my mind, and changes are going happen that is a fact. Because I need some exciting stimulation, and some tender love.

Destiny

I do apologize to the few readers of this blog, I have not given any updates for a long time, I hope post more frequently here in the future. So let’s start with some updates. I am back in college again, it’s been nice mingling with other people outside of the work environment, because it’s has become a problem now, I fell for Madison for the 70th time now. I stick by what I said last time, but she won’t commit to me, or make any concessions for me. Things were going great, and I needed to know if things were going to be different, and she proved me that they were not. So I’m making the smartest decision of my life, I’m moving on from her. I can’t wait forever, I need to get out and find someone new. I’ve met a few women on campus but most are proving to be a fruitless effort. So after taking myself off the market for a while, after chasing after my dream lover, after everything. I’m putting myself back on the market. I told myself today that I may have to come to terms that I might be alone for a while, but I need some TLC. It’s gotten so out of hand, I actually asked a friend for causal sex today. I felt like such a bastard afterward. I apologized of course. I need to just set aside my fears and center myself. I’m going to try harder to get myself back on track. I’ve saved some money back, which is proving to be hard. With my father constantly reminding us that all of us can lose everything at any moment. I just wish one thing would go right for me, that’s all I really need. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to make it happen, it’s my destiny to break my barriers l, and find my wealth in all matters! I will carry on! Wish me luck! Btw as a side note, I started watching Doctor Who, it’s awesome!

Moderation

It feels the frequency of my post appear to get further and further apart. So updates… Work has been work, I went through this period where I’ve been feeling under appreciated there, like I’ve been sort of invisible, but as time has carried on I have seen that I have my place there like everyone else. It’s bleak to know that I’m looking for a place to fit in at work, makes me wonder how high a standard I hold myself to anymore. I feel like I’m going through this period of growth, things coming around full circle. I’ve been reading deeply this book on astrology, and I have Jupiter in Leo, which I hear is a rare thing, and in august Jupiter is in Leo, conceding with the dates Psychic Kevin gave me for my first reading of how I then I will fall in love, the time each year I’ve been chasing. I feel that in a week or so some I will finally receive my just rewards. I take care of my family, I take care of my friends. I’m nice to everybody, I live everyday doing the best I can. I believe I’m a good person. Last night I got some horrible news, about Madison, she was telling me that she went to the doctor and something may be wrong, she wouldn’t tell me what, but he demeanor drastically changed, and that scared me. I told her I wouldn’t leave her, but she is with someone else. Its not meant as an effort to win her back, After everything, all the fighting, all the memories, I still love her, and that is the true tragedy is that I can’t move on, because intuition, my damn romantic idealism is keeping me tied to her, and I’ve accepted she may never love me, but I can’t stop loving her. It’s not in me. Maybe it’s this tie with fate, maybe this is all the cosmos yelling at me for something I did in a past life. I’m not sure where my life is heading by I can feel it in my soul, that soon, it’s going to be changed, hopefully for the better.

8 Tracks

Well, I know it’s been quite a while since my last post, things have changed, and I have too. The problems I deal with now, have come to the center of my whole existence. Pining for answers to exchange the the uncertainty that fills my head. This may sound a bit bleak but I’ll end my updated on a positive note. First off, I have taken my search for romance a bit to far, Madison, she is fed up with me, and it just has taken me forever to see that she doesn’t love me, no matter how hard I try. It is the same lesson Brandi taught me so long ago, and it’s the problems that’s I still struggle with now, a struggle between fantasy and reality. To make it worse I feel that I’m on a destructive path at times, My friend Brittany, who I’ve spent a good amount of time with this summer, she is occupying my mind as much as all the other women in my life. But leave it to me to be the only fool to fall in love with a lesbian, on the surface I’ve noticed she is beautiful, like I never noticed before, smart, funny, and we enjoy a lot of the same things, not a very close person, and keeps a lot of people at am arms length until they need them, but I feel when I’m around her this refreshing air, this empowering feeling. Then again it’s me being a fool, and I can not jeopardize the best friendship I have ever know. I’ve been sort of off the dating market, that’s why hanging out with Brittany was so convenient, she has no interest in me, so she occupied my time, but I’ve been slowly immersing myself back in the dating world trying to chat up women again, Brandi couldn’t nearly believe it when I told her that I had given up my addiction to women for a while. I liked it, it helped me get more in tune with myself, but I still long for that companionship from another, to share a deep intimacy with someone, and feel truly safe. I’ve juggled around the idea of hanging out with this other gal from work, I like her a lot, and I have a weakness for Virgos. Another thing I wanted to talk about is how the relationship with my father has just been on this downward spiral, I’ve grown to despise the man who claims to be my father, when all he is a weak asshole, but I have to admit I am becoming a bit fearful of him, I had a dream a while back where he shot me, and I have these strong premonitions sometimes where it feels like my dreams are coming true. So I’m afraid that unfortunate end is waiting to befall me. Lastly, my positive note, I’ve began to frequent this website, 8tracks.com, and it’s been giving me this pseudo artistic outlet, because I’m starting to get followers to my profile, and that these people, strangers from the internet are waiting for my to share more of my musical expression, it brings me great joy when I get a “like” or a new follower. Gives me hope that maybe I might be on my right path, and soon the torn pieces of my world will begin to come together.

Till Kingdom Come

Right now I’m at odds with myself, it feels like i’m becoming complacent, I’m moving yet standing still. It feels like im waiting for something big to happen. Like in “Stranger In Fiction” where Harold Crick stoped doing everything to see if the plot is chacing him. So the days go by, where the only thing I really want to do is visit with friends, be active, and when my world stops I become anxious and feel like I’m crazy. I’ve been thinkin for a while I need to make some new friends, but I don’t know where to start. I just want to enjoy being out as much as I can this summer, becuase once the new semester starts I’ll have no free time for dating, hanging out. I’ve been thinking about this girl I met while at work, stunning, many factors caused me from making a move, because I was at work. Something in my gutt tells me im going to see her again. One of those weird psychic connection things, but that’s just me being a romantic. I’m waiting, and waiting, I’m mostly in very good spirits, and I want more. So these are the resolutions I’m going to work on, One meet more people, two continue to be more social. I think I can do it. I Believe.

At Odds With Myself

Well things have slowed way down for me. Madison told me once again that she wasn’t in love with me. Awesome, so I tried to finally break away, I made a date with an old friend for today, and yesterday they told me that they they are not ready to date again. I swear I have the worst luck in the world. I mean when am I going to be enough for people, life is to short to play these games, and me I’m looking to someone to give me my salvation, that confidant, someone to get close to me, and give me that intimacy I’ve always wanted. I’ve got no prospects, it seems like everyone around me is in a relationship while I’m stuck in my usual routine, my social life slowed down too, nothing gold can stay right? My friends are still there, but we don’t do things as often. On a positive note Brandi started talking to me again, things are different now though, she is the same, but now I feel like she doesn’t need me at all. That is the worst pain, feeling insignificant. Which is what I’ve been feeling a lot of lately, I try my best to be the best that I can be in all aspects of my life, and when will it be good enough, and I’m my own person. I’m just too needy, and I’ve been trying not to be, but the solitude, and the loneliness is something that drives me crazy, that I can’t win. It’s a Wednesday night and I have no one to spend my night off with, I want so much to be the hero, the central character in my story. When all I am is the villain and the fools. I’m trying hard to break free, so so hard. I need salvation that only the opposite sex can provide, and it’s driving me insane, because I’m stuck in my solitude waiting.

Feeling The Love

Well recently I’ve been having to face my solitude straight on, It’s been a pretty good experience, I’m becoming a little more patient and less worried about the words  I say. Usually I would pick apart the sentences I string together, and find if they can be miss construed in any way. It’s the boredom I’m having trouble with, but I’m finding ways to cope. Today was a big step because I finally bridged the gap, I actually had Madison all to myself for an extended period of time. I’ve been trying to get that interaction where we could have a deep or long conversation, and just enjoy each others company, not just text or passing conversations. So for about an hour we went out into the beautiful weather and walked around. I’m proud that I kept my emotions in check, but I couldn’t help but send a text after our time was over. It wasn’t the best method, but I’m still happy nonetheless. I told her that it took everything in me not to kiss her, because I didn’t want to spoil the time we spent together. But that I’ve told her a lot of time that I’m just Head over heals in love with her, and the thing is i’m pretty sure she may be in love with me too. She just won’t say it, she hints at it. Brandi is still not talking to me, I beg her to talk to me again, but she just will not indulge my psychosis right now, She’s abandoning me in a way, I deserve it for being such a bastard, but I feel like I’m getting the same treatment that I’m giving my father, It’s terrible, It’s painful. I so badly want to fix it, but she won’t let me. I’ve still found solace in good company, and my vivid imagination. It’s seems like it’s the only thing I can utilize to keep my mind from going insane. But I’ve been on this big achievement and winning streak. It wavers from time to time, but with Work, Madison, and myself I’ve been making some pretty good strides. I just hope that I can hold on to the reins, and keep the wagon train pointed in the right direction.

Perpetual Loser

Well lets start with some updates, I finished another semester at college It felt good, because this semester was rather tense. I balanced my working life with my college life, and made it out alive. Summer is now where my mind is at, it’s strange, I have this weird duality to my life. My heart has great hope, and at times I couldn’t be happier. Then at the same time I couldn’t feel more lonely. Dealing with Silences has always been a problem for me, and I never thought that I could feel as mixed up as I do right now. Lets start with the sad stuff and get that out of the way so I can end with the positive. Brandi, she stopped talking to me, it saddens me so much. In an effort to shake me awake she has grown tired of dealing with my mental anguish. She called me arrogant, and the and the sad thing is she’s right. I took for granted my friends, and how much I still have to learn. The root cause of my friends getting tired of my change in behavior, is my current obsession with Madison. At times she makes me feel like I’m the only one she cares about, but then there are other days where she just breaks my heart, and that she just can’t commit to the idea of me. Brandi put it best the in last thing she said to me. I’m trying to have and adult relationship with someone who is not ready for one. So I’m constantly being built up and broken down. My mind romanticists the whole situation, and that’s what keeps me coming back.  My father is continually ruining my life by putting obstacles in my way when I try and make progress for the future.  My life is barely moving, and all I can do is try an hold the broken fragments together. Now the good. I’ve been more social than ever before, people actually enjoy my company, I’ve been going out a lot more, and there is something about this summer that is making me feel that all my hard work is going to pay off, that all my strife, all my toil, my mental anguish will finally pay off, and that my destiny will suddenly becomes realized. Even though I appear to be losing all things that may be dear to me, but I feel like things may come back around for me, because all I have to do is keep pushing through my struggle and pray that my salvation will come. I’ve got the drive, I have the spirit. I just need the world to cooperate with me, and the time feels right for it to do so.

Divinity

Divinity, I’ve been touched by the spirits from the beyond. Giving me strength to take on the world. I went and had a psychic reading with the same person who sent me on my journey so long ago, and now I’ve got answers for the present. First of my plans of travel will be achieved in time, I have some things to take care of on the home front. So that is a great sign. Next off my quest for romance is coming to a dramatic turn of events, the psychic told me that the girl I have been rifting about is a fight worth fighting for. I was ready to move on, when this turn of events changed my whole perspective, I’ve still got much work to do on myself, but I may actually be coming close to the end of a perilous journey. The magic of the turn of the earth and the spin of emotions are creating this resonance for the world. Things ended on such a bad note with me and that girl, but I’m in love. I need to fix things for the better, and do some healing.  Life is going to get much better from this point on. I may still have some struggles, but now I’m aiming for something great.